I had surgery

HELLLOOOO, Danielle here, second blog post, I was going to talk to you about rare plants but I had surgery last week and instead I think I’ll talk about that.

Firstly it wasn’t a crazy one it was just my gallbladder, I needed it out, my mum had hers out when she was my age and she says it doesn’t affect her at all so fingers crossed!. I was pretty stressed out about the surgery because it cost a million dollars and also because someone was going to cut into me with a knife and pull out an organ.

I spoke to a lot of people beforehand and they all said the same thing, ‘my life is exactly the same, nothing has changed, but in the first few months after surgery there will come a time when you will shit yourself in public’. This led to my partner and I having a conversation about whether or not we would buy adult nappies. We did. I just couldn’t bear the thought of shitting in our bed. I haven’t, BRAG.

The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey do you think you’ll ever be attracted to me again if I buy adult nappies to wear after surgery?

Jono: Well I won’t be attracted to you while you’re wearing them but I did want to talk to you about the adult nappies too, I was just gonna buy them when you were at the hospital so we didn’t have to have this conversation

Me: Forget I said anything

And that is how you get free adult nappies

I also spoke to my nanna the day before my surgery, she hasn’t had her gallbladder out, nonetheless she told me ‘I wish you didn’t have to have your gallbladder out, everyone I know who’s had theirs out has had horrible problems since, just absolutely terrible issues, can’t eat anything without rushing to the bathroom! it’s really horrible you have to have yours out!’ THANKS NANNA. I called mum to confirm, she said sometimes things go through her fast but mostly she’s normal, and to be honest don’t we all have things that sometimes just go through us gallbladder or not?

I couldn’t wear a bra for surgery so I made sure to pluck any stray hairs around my nipples. Didn’t want them to think my boobs were gross when they were cutting into me!!

The anaesthetic made me very emotional and when I woke up I started crying immediately because I love my boyfriend Jono so much and I was sad the nurse didn’t have Jono in her life. She reassured me she had a partner who she loved very much, I continued to cry for her (she clearly had no idea what she was missing).

I had to stay overnight and had a tube in the side of my torso draining blood and goop out, the tube really hurt. One of the nurses kept asking me if I needed to fart, and kept giving me Movicol which is a horrible tasting laxative, the nurse made me promise to press the nurse call button if I felt like I needed to fart, I was like okay dude, you clearly have a fart fetish but no judgement. I had to call the nurse to pee at one stage because I had the torso tube and IV and couldn’t move on my own and again he asked me to let him know if I was going to fart because apparently I might faint. FAINT FROM A FART. I didn’t fart until I left the hospital the next day. It went for a full 30 seconds, no breaks, it didn’t stink though which I thought was interesting, but probably not to anyone who isn’t me. When you have the surgery they fill your body with carbon dioxide to sort of inflate you I guess. When the fart did come my torso was still too weak to push it out with my tummy muscles so I pried my butt cheeks apart manually, If I wasn’t in so much pain this would have been the funniest moment of my life and I would have liked to have opened and shut my butt to make my bum fart to the tune of My heart will go on by Celine Dion. My greatest regret.

Here are the beautiful flowers I got after surgery from my friends and Dad